Be Me or Do Me Bingo: Drake and the Art of the Canoodle


Strictly speaking, this isn’t as exact an example as the previous two BMODM Bingo entries, but Drake, bless his heart, did manage to illustrate a core concept of the book. From Chapter 6, “The Art of the Canoodle,”( even though this isn’t about canoodling):

“A celebrity can’t take chances. Pictures of the two of them “cavorting” (similar to canoodling except there’s more laughing and jumping involved) on a beach or picking out plums together at a farmer’s market could get bumped if someone famous dies or gets arrested that same week. For a celebrity, there’s a constant race against other celebrities’ misfortune.”

From the New York Daily News:

“Drake ‘disgusted’ at Rolling Stone for replacing him with Philip Seymour Hoffman cover

Philip Seymour Hoffman‘s sudden death interrupted a lot of things — including the actor’s filming projects — but on Thursday rapper Drake pointed out that Rolling Stone magazine ditched its plan to put him on its cover in favor of Hoffman’s passing.

“They also took my cover from me last minute and ran the issue,” he tweeted.

“I’m disgusted with that. RIP to Phillip Seymour Hoffman. All respect due. But the press is evil,” he added.”

Thank you, Drake, for helping to show once again just how brilliant we are. Check’s in the mail, buddy. Of course, we had no idea any celebrity would be so crass as to actually publicly complain about their magazine cover being bumped by a tragedy, but God bless those little attention whores. They can still manage to surprise us, even as they’re being predictable.

  • “Be Me or Do Me” Bingo: Shia LaBeouf and Acts of Contrition

    From Chapter 15, Acts of Contrition:

    “At some point—usually through a haze of delusion and drugs, but sometimes simply because he sees the writing on the wall and can tell the public ain’t buying what he’s selling—a star will realize that he’s overstayed his welcome in the public’s good graces and that he’s permanently persona non grata with ticket buyers. Some will fade off into obscurity, but the smart ones, the hard, tested ones, will realize it’s time to put on their sad face and face the music.”

    “This is when the star’s entire career stops being about whatever he used to do and becomes about apologizing full time. Inevitably, he will embarrass himself by running in front of cameras after a natural disaster to apologize for it.”

    “And since the public forges these intense emotional bonds with celebrities, their hatred of them becomes itself a kind of relationship, which is why so many of the desperate ones dig their heels in and become even more obnoxious and self-destructive, because they know that you hating them is all they have left, and it’s always going to be preferable to you forgetting about them.”

    From Defamer:

    “On Tuesday, serial plagiarist and “not famous” famous actor Shia LaBeouf invited the public to join him at his latest cry for help in Los Angeles. According to the press release for his new performance entitled “#IAMSORRY,” LaBeouf will be “in situ” at an art gallery for six days so he can apologize for his sins.”

    “In the middle of the room, sitting alone at a bistro table, was LaBeouf. He was wearing a tuxedo and an “I’m Not Famous Anymore” bag over his head. His hands were resting on the table. He was not moving.

    I had plans to ask him great questions, to make him laugh, hold his hand, take off his bag, and convince him to take a picture with me. But when we locked eyes, I was unnerved. LaBeouf had been crying; under his right eye hole the bag was soaked with tears and stuck to his face. I introduced myself. “Are you tired?” I asked. “This must be exhausting.” Another tear fell.”

    Darlings, what else need be said? These little attention whores just can’t help themselves.

  • “Be Me Or Do Me” Bingo: Ryan Phillippe and Attention Whoring

    Darlings, now that you’ve read the book (Right? You HAVE read the book? Don’t make us start begging again!), you can start doing that fun thing one of our readers, foodycatAlicia dubbed “Everyone Wants to Be Me Bingo.” That is to say, since the book was written so as to define the tropes of celebrity life without naming any actual celebrities, you can take the ideas and listed tropes in the book and look for their occurrence out in the so-called “real world” of celebrities.

    For instance, in the chapter entitled Attention Whoring, we wrote:

    “When the returns start diminishing on that front, the lazy star might start to put a little work in on her online presence and actively engage her more ardent fans by sending them little messages of support and thanks. This is generally inoffensive, but it invariably turns into the star using her platform to post vague, Zen-like proclamations about life, with accompanying phone snapshots of a beach view or something equally banal. Alternatively, they may post ominous messages that almost sound like first drafts of suicide notes, written by someone with two fingers. “Y does pain exist? #sadtoday.” These will also get the public riled up, especially if the star then goes dark and makes no more announcements for days at a time. Her more frantic fans will start posting video tributes set to horribly maudlin country songs before the week is out.”

    The Daily Mail, last month:

    “It may be time for Ryan Phillippe to step away from his Twitter account.

    The Cruel Intentions star went on a worrying rant on Monday, telling his followers that he was ‘sick and tired of being sick and tired’.

    Ryan, 39, followed his ambiguous message with ‘Ya feel me’ before explaining his mood further.

    ‘To clarify: mentally/socially/culturally,’ he said.
    Adding: ‘Physically I’m good. My personal “illness” rooted in general frustration’.
    The tweets appeared on his official account, which has just 27,700 followers.”

    Oooh, that last line was quite the bitchy burn, Daily Mail. But see? Now you can play the home game edition of “Everyone Wants to Be Me or Do Me!” Because these little stars just can’t help themselves, darlings.

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