In simpler, less crass days.

Darlings, we have been away from the Be Me or Do Me Bingo game for too long. We have been remiss in our celebrity taunting this summer. Why, we let Shia Labeouf’s latest meltdown go by unremarked-upon, not to mention Robin Thicke’s breakup-based career meltdown. Then again, they both already had their shots at the game and neither added anything new this time. Step it up, boys.

Now Michi, on the other hand, she deserves a second go-round in the game, since she’s switched up her play quite a bit from the last time. No longer content to titillate the public with some girl-on-girl, she’s landed on a new team player – almost literally.

But first, the relevant quotes from our book, from Chapter 6: The Art of the Canoodle:

“It’s a star’s responsibility to make sure everyone knows who she’s fucking, who she’s not fucking, and who she wishes she was fucking, the knowledge of which should make her much more fuckable in the eyes of the public, thereby increasing her asking price as well as the likelihood that she’ll win an award. The gossip writers call this “canoodling,” but any truly ambitious star sees it for what it is: strategic career advancement opportunities secured through judicious dating.”

“The goal here is to land a grainy paparazzi-photo magazine cover before the two of them have confirmed they’re a couple, possibly on a yacht or beach or some other place where the two of them can publicly rub oil on each other. Upping the speculation on the relationship will make the confirmation of it seem that much more epic, an answer to a question the public didn’t realize it was dying to have answered.”

And now, a headline from professional celebrity-fluffer E! that’s so ludicrous, we probably would have cut it out of the book in the final edit if we came up with it ourselves. But oh, how we wish we did come up with this one:

Shirtless Zac Efron Rides a Horse on the Beach, Kisses Michelle Rodriguez in a Club—See the Hot Pics!

And you really do need to click through to see those “Hot” pics. The flexing alone is hilarious, but the “We’re acting totally natural! What camera?!?” posing is a beautiful thing to behold. Also beautiful to behold is this press release masquerading as an article, with an actual unironic use of the word “smooches” from a writer we presume to be under 85 years of age:

“Now that their secret is out, Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez are on a PDA parade!

Like a cheesy scene out of The Bachelor, the 26-year-old Neighbors actor and the 35-year-old Avatar actress spent Monday afternoon riding horses on the beach in Sardinia. Efron went shirtless for the occasion, and to his new girlfriend’s delight, the actor flexed his bulging biceps as he gripped the reins.”

“The fun didn’t end there, however. Efron and Rodriguez danced the night away at the Billionaire Porto Cervo nightclub. The duo dirty danced and shared several sexy smooches in front of the packed party. Efron kept his shirt on (and wore sunglasses), while Rodriguez wore a low-cut top and tight-fitting jeans.”

And the piece de resistance of Be Me or Do Me-style image craft:

“Michelle is super-cool and laid-back and Zac has always been attracted to her because of that,” a source told E! News Tuesday. “She’s one of those people that everyone likes, she just gets on with all kinds of people and doesn’t take the fame thing too seriously.”

Michelle is SUPER-COOL, says a “source!” (Spoiler alert: It’s her publicist).

After this stunt, we’re convinced Michi is highlighting passages from the book and using it as a career guide.

Attagirl.

 

 

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: Getty, PacificCoastNews.com, ariella.com]