Justin-Bieber-Dolce-Gabbana-amfAR-2014-Gala-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (1)Newly Dampened Friend of Jesus


Any star practicing the “Be Me or Do Me” way of life and career management knows that when the public turns on you, you best figure out interesting and press-worthy ways to apologize and stay in their good graces.

From Chapter 11: Acts of Contrition:

Much in the manner of long-term convicts and former Miss Americas, some stars who put themselves through the wringer are eventually going to turn to that old-time religion as a way to get back in the public’s good graces. This makes an especially smart choice for country singers and former Playboy models. Jesus, of course, remains the perennial favorite, and the newly Jesus-touched star can be expected to talk about Him as if He were someone collaborating with him on a project. Every award or moment of acclaim will be attributed to his good friend Jesus, who can’t be bothered with disease and starvation but will move mountains to make sure the properly Jesus-thanking celebrities get nominated for a People’s Choice Award when the time is right.

From Billboard, with a headline that we’d have killed for a chance to compose:

Justin Bieber Baptized In NYC Bathtub Amid Racist Jokes Controversy

 Justin Bieber was recently baptized in a New York City bathtub amid the controversy surrounding two leaked videos that show the pop star using the N-word as a teenager.

In May, Bieber spent a week attending church services and doing intense Bible study with pastor Carl Lentz after a man possessing the racist-laced videos threatened to release them if the pop star didn’t pay him $1 million, TMZ reports.

Apparently, the baptism was performed in a bathtub of Bieber’s friend, who was not named. The singer had scoped out different churches, but his cover was blown during visits, according to TMZ.


We really hope he tries to sell this weirdly secret and undocumented baptism (in an unnamed bathtub, no less) to the public. They’re gonna eat him alive either way. If he starts thanking Jesus left and right, they’ll think he’s a bullshitter, and if he fails to thank Him left and right, he’s going to get the Christian groups hanging on his ass.

Justin, the Jesus route was not the way to go here. You should’ve gone the “I have an addiction” route or even better, the “I have a learning disability/I’m on the autism spectrum” one. People would buy any of those, but when the public reads the words “Bieber” and “bathtub” in the same headline, this is not the image that’s going to spring to mind.





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