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In happier days.

 

If they weren’t already so outrageously wealthy, we’d cut these two a check, just for making the entire chapter about celebrity weddings come true. We could probably post the whole chapter here and find a little of Kim and Kanye in every paragraph, but we’ll just give you the highlights. From Chapter 7: Symbiotic Rebranding, aka “Marriage”:

“Here outside the gates of Candy Land, where the real people live, you can find all different kinds of weddings and all different kinds of brides, but when we’re talking about attention-seeking celebrity types willing to turn every private event and decision into a launchpad for further opportunities to make money, then we’re really only looking at one kind of wedding: a gigantic, overblown extravaganza. A princess fantasy so ridiculous in scope and scale that it would make a real princess retch.”

“Regardless of what kind of dress she picks, if she’s a star of any stature, she’s going to get a design house to loudly loan one to her or loudly make one for her. This will be announced early on, after the contracts have been signed by everyone involved, in order to drum up maximum speculation about the dress and to subject the public to meaningless drivel from entertainment journalists. “It could be long or it could be short! Her fans can’t wait to see!”

“Honestly, take the most obnoxious bride and groom you’ve ever encountered—and let’s not pretend you didn’t immediately think of them just now involuntarily—multiply all their bad behavior and tacky nuptial attention seeking by a factor of several thousand, add couture, piles of money, and the press, and that’s your average celebrity wedding.”

“Major celebrity magazines aren’t going to pay millions to see a bride with her hair blowing in her face wearing a gauzy sundress and trying to smile with sand in her teeth. They and the magazine-buying public are going to want to see something borderline scandalous in its ostentation. That way we can all ooh and ahh over the details and then turn on a dime and angrily rant about the waste and privilege.”

 

From the ever-breathless Us Magazine, ALL IN THE LAST WEEK:

Kim Kardashian, Kanye West’s Wedding Will Be a “Fairytale Day,” “Hollywood Movie Set Level”

 

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West Book Forte di Belvedere in Florence for Wedding Weekend

 

Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Shop For Designer Duds in Paris; Couple “Calm” and “Relaxed” Before Wedding

 

Kim Kardashian Wedding Prep: Bride Gets $550 Stem Cell Facial

Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Wedding Ceremony Setup Underway in Florence: Pictures

 

Kim Kardashian Concerned by Paris Weather: “I Hope the Rain Doesn’t Ruin My Wedding”

 

Jay Z, Rachel Roy Both Attending Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Wedding After Solange, Beyonce Met Gala Elevator Drama

 

EXCLUSIVE: Kim Kardashian Says Wedding Dress Is “Perfect” After Fitting

 

Kim Kardashian Heads to Pre-Wedding Brunch Hosted by Valentino: See What the Kardashians Are Wearing!

 

Kim Kardashian Celebrates Bachelorette Party at Eiffel Tower: Details

 

The editors at US are going to have a stroke before this is all over.