Not having it.


This is cheating slightly, since Charlie Sheen was one of the major inspirations for the chapter, but he’s the gift that keeps on giving. From Chapter 14: The Full Chernobyl:

“The other, more common, and much funnier kind of meltdown is the one that occurs after a succession of smaller incidents and years of odd behavior. These have a higher likelihood of being born out of a celebrity-specific combination of sub-stance abuse, a career that requires all emotional responses to have an audience, and simply being an entitled asshole. Since no one feels right cheering on an obviously crazy person having a hard time of it, it’s the overpaid assholes with the fried brains having a bad year (or succession of them) that capture the public’s attention the most.”


The Ranter. When you get past the racial epithets, the Ranter can be hilariously entertaining in that “crazy uncle who shows up to every family wedding” kind of way. You can at least count on him to come up with new and exciting epithets, born out of his own rage, entitlement, and drug-addled brain.”

Also, just a smidgen from Chapter 4: Attention-Whoring:

“Unfortunately, it’s only a small step from this to drunkenly ranting at practically anyone who offends a star, leading to long, vowel-light rants about un-named “H8ers” trying to bring him down, as if this was all court intrigue on the Island Kingdom of Dyslexia or something. This will inevitably be followed up with the drunken posting of pictures of the star flipping the bird at imaginary enemies or eating food off the floor.”


“Male stars can’t really afford to be this introspective—again, because Hollywood can be remarkably traditional, especially about gender stuff—so they tend instead to resort to outlandish douchebaggery to keep the public aware of them.”

From E!:

Charlie Sheen Trashes Rihanna on Twitter After She Refuses to Meet His Fiancée

“so, I took my gal out to dinner last night with her best friends for her Bday. we heard Rihanna was present as well. I sent a request over to her table to introduce my fiancé Scotty to her, as she is a huge fan (personally I couldn’t pick her out of a line-up at gunpoint)” the less-than-kind rant began. “well, the word we received back was that there were too many paps outside and it just wasn’t possible at this time.”

“He continued: “At this time? AT THIS TIME?? lemme guess, we’re to reschedule another random 11 million to 1 encounter with her some other night…? no biggie for me; it would have been 84 interminable seconds of chugging Draino and “please kill me now” that I’d never get back. My Gal, however, was NOT OK with it. Nice impression you left behind, Bday or not. Sorry we’re not KOOL enough to warrant a blessing from the Princess. (or in this case the Village idiot)”

“you see THIS is the reason that I ALWAYS take the time. THIS is why I’m in this thing 31 awesome years. Good will and  common courtesy, carefully established over time to exist radically in concert  with a code of gratitude!,” he wrote before adding, “I guess ‘Talk That Talk’ was just a big ol lie from a big ol liar.”

As if that wasn’t enough, Charlie also took to the time to trash RiRi’s latest hairstyle. “oh and Riahnna, Halloween isn’t for a while. but good on you for testing out your costume in public. it’s close; a more muted pink might be the answer, as in: none.”

“See ya on the way down, (we always do) and actually, it was a pleasure NOT meeting you. clearly we have NOTHING in common when it comes to respect for those who’ve gone before you. I’m guessing you needed those precious 84 seconds to situate that bad wig before you left the restaurant.”

“Here’s a tip from a real vet of this terrain; If ya don’t wanna get bothered DONT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE! and if this ‘Prison of Fame’ is soooooooo unnerving and  difficult, then QUIT, junior! c #Hamateur.”


Yeah, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel to point out that Charlie Sheen is having a meltdown, but we didn’t want to miss the opportunity to repeatedly use the word “douchebag” in a post about him.