From Chapter 10: The Epic Breakup:

“A celebrity breakup of any real value simply must play out in as public a manner as possible in order for anyone to benefit from it. The juiciest ones will depict the slow decline of the celebrity couple’s affections, providing the public with months if not years of scowling paparazzi pictures that make it clear this particular relationship has reached the point where the amount of time they can’t stand each other is far greater than the amount of time they tolerate each other. Enjoying each other has clearly been off the menu for a while. … But when the time comes to actually rip that Band-Aid off, you can bet the process will be significantly different from anything two non-celebrities go through when they decide the Con column is too much longer than the Pro to continue.”

“They will do this as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, of course. These are the breakups that require press releases, which, like so many celebrity press releases, will ask that every- one reading the press release respect their privacy. The smart ones will manage the situation tightly, but the messy ones will do everything within their power to play out every private bit of the relationship and aftermath for the public, who will be grateful and titillated.


From Defamer, via GOOP:

“It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.


Gwyneth & Chris”

Oh, GOD. She even tried to come up with a new term for it. This is going to be an Olympics of preening self-regard, darlings. Strap yourselves in. And follow along with our book, because we’re pretty sure Gwynnie’s gonna check every item off the list. Next up, the “I’m a survivor” magazine interview.