CELEBRITY AFFIRMATION #15: Everyone loves me! What do I need to apologize for?

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“Sometimes a star reaches a point where the arrests happen more frequently than financial reports or she’s done something that the public, not to mention the authorities, can’t easily forgive, like desecrating the flag or being photographed shooting up while nursing her baby. This is when you separate the winners from the nominees. It’s sink or swim time, and if a star has that special something, she’ll reach deep inside, find that inner strength, pry that rock out of her nose, wash her hair, borrow that dress, and show up on the courthouse steps sporting an eight-hundred-dollar pair of sunglasses and a renewed sense of purpose. The lesson here is, when you hit rock bottom, dress like you’re here to pick up your award.”

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“The Repentant Celebrity subgenre of reality TV involves the star and his extended family airing all of their dysfunction in front of the camera. The hope is that they will be seen as “colorful” instead of the usual “sociopathic” assessments thrown their way.

The truly bottom-of-the-barrel stars will debase themselves on cheap reality television shows entirely cast with other bottom-of-the-barrel stars, where they will all be asked to perform ridiculous stunts, be subjected to the worst pop psychology by a licensed celebrity therapist (specializing in the problems of celebrities; licensed as a chiropractor), and forced to cry on camera each week. Some of them will get paying gigs out of this work, or at least some press, but most of the participants on these shows will quietly pass away from embarrassment within a year or two.”

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“Much in the manner of long-term convicts and former Miss Americas, some stars who put themselves through the wringer are eventually going to turn to that old-time religion as a way to get back in the public’s good graces. This makes an especially smart choice for country singers and former Playboy models. Jesus, of course, remains the perennial favorite, and the newly Jesus-touched star can be expected to talk about Him as if He were someone collaborating with him on a project. Every award or moment of acclaim will be attributed to his good friend Jesus, who can’t be bothered with disease and starvation but will move mountains to make sure the properly Jesus-thanking celebrities get nominated for a People’s Choice Award when the time is right.”