CELEBRITY AFFIRMATION #14: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

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“As with all things celebrity, it’s full-speed-ahead, take-no- prisoners time when life gets a little rough. Instead of dealing with bumps in the road as they arise, like most of us do, a star will immediately veer off the road at the first sign of one and run straight into a telephone pole before bursting into flames and killing a bus full of big-eyed children from diverse backgrounds. Figuratively speaking. Full-on breakdowns are far, far more interesting this way and ensure that everyone around the celebrity pays constant attention to him, thereby potentially increasing his income down the line—although the likelihood of this is almost wholly supported by the star’s delusions at this point. It is important, however, that the celebrity choosing to melt down restrict his destructive behavior to himself, his spouse, his children, and the general public. Any odd or threatening behavior directed at business managers, agents, producers, or studio/label heads will result in immediate obscurity and the loss of future earnings.”

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“It’s not that we love assholes so much, and it’s not even that we love celebrities (although that is, of course, a huge part of it). No, it’s because once again, a celebrity stands in for our own fears and desires, and when one of them simply snaps, while standing in front of forty paparazzi, we try to see some part of ourselves in them, some bit of our own struggles reflected in the actions of the wild-eyed, underfed teen pop star shaving off her eyebrows on a sidewalk at 3:00 a.m. And when some middle-aged overpaid douche bag, after years of living in a diamond-hard bubble of privilege, has a tantrum that escalates into a full-blown psychotic episode, again we rise to our feet as one and cheer. Not because we love overpaid middle-aged douche bags of privilege, but because there isn’t anyone out there who wouldn’t love to indulge in a little “Fuck you, world” moment. But since almost all of us have to live with the consequences of our actions in one form or another, most of us never do it, preferring instead to applaud the privileged few who are allowed to live as consequence-free a life as we will grant them. Of all the odd celebrity/fan relationships, this one’s easily the oddest.”