“CELEBRITY AFFIRMATION #13: I’m fabulous even when I’m unconscious.”

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“There is no greater suffering for a star than when they’re suffering from lack of attention. It’s like oxygen deprivation to them. You see, A-list celebrity bodies are covered with tiny, microscopic hairs that act as antennae, moving to and fro constantly and seeking out confirmation that someone is paying attention to the person they are attached to. When attention drops to dangerously low levels, these tiny antennae immediately send a signal to the celebrity brain, which causes the celebrity to feel weak and light-headed. When attention levels in the atmosphere plummet to zero, her body shuts down and she crashes dramatically to the floor. In a public place, of course. With cameras present. If she is not in a public place where cameras are present, her celebrity survival instinct will kick in and she will propel herself through sheer force of will to a place where people will notice when she collapses to the ground. Only one part of this paragraph is made up.”

***

“It’s always great if the singer can collapse on stage in midsong, in front of an audience of thousands. If nothing else, the phone videos on the Internet will be the most discussed item of the week. If there’s vomiting involved or pyrotechnics gone wrong, all the better. Besides, it’s always kind of hilarious when they do it, especially if there’s dancing involved; the backup dancers always hesitate for that one split second, wondering if she’s improvising and maybe she’s going to start popping and locking or spinning on her head or something.”

***

“Dehydration,” as everyone knows, is merely publicist-speak for “drying out.” Their client doesn’t need more water, she needs less vodka, but that doesn’t play well with the public, so everyone halfheartedly agrees to pretend that her whirlwind life of partying hasn’t worn her out to the point that she needs medical care. Bottom line: Of all the excuses given for mysterious disappearances from the public eye, dehydration is the one that no one truly believes. Imagine if stars really were dehydrated as often as their spokespeople say they are. We’d all have no choice but to assume the poor things have no idea what water is except for when they’re swimming in it or someone’s shooting it up their ass.”