“CELEBRITY AFFIRMATION #11: The world is waiting for me to fix it.”

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“Having played out every major life event and career triumph in front of an audience of millions, a celebrity will quite often develop a messiah complex and decide that what the world really wants from her is to tell it what to do. Despite the supreme condescension, this is often born out of a fear of career or public decline. It’s every insecure busybody friend you ever had, writ large. You know that friend who’s always bouncing checks and dating guys with teardrop tattoos but takes the time out of fucking up her life each day to tell you what you’re doing wrong with yours? Imagine if that friend had a publicist.”

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“What’s most galling, of course, about these stars is how little they actually remember about being non-famous and how, in a typically narcissistic star manner, they can’t separate their own experiences from universal truths. “Life is all about taking time each day to enjoy the simple things, like a cup of organic birch tea or baking bread with your children.” Simple, homespun pleasures that require huge chunks of leisure time, lots of disposable income, and at least one personal assistant.”

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“Celebrities tend to turn toward formal charity work only when they’re ordered to by a judge or because there’s some possible career benefit to it. Otherwise, they try to avoid it, mostly out of laziness and a complete lack of applicable skills. Instead, they’ll offer to become spokespeople; not officially, after a formal invitation by some larger group, but simply by striking out on their own and choosing an issue or problem to spout off on, because they can’t express a thought without cameras present.

Freelance spokespersonhood is a fabulous way to get a lot of credit for saving the world by standing next to the unfortunate and looking concerned as the cameras flash or standing in front of a problem and loudly declaring how much you’re opposed to it. “