Child-rearing! Probably the NUMBER ONE area of life in which no sane person should look to celebrities for guidance!

“CELEBRITY AFFIRMATION #8: I believe that perfect children who reflect all my best qualities are my future.”

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“True stars know the value of dependents when it comes to managing one’s image, and they’ll plead with the world to respect the privacy of their children, even as they sell the rights to the first ultrasound to major magazines.

To many celebrities, children are like little growing accessories, like purses that shit or shoes that require food. For the truly big stars, the little dears are more like luggage, because someone else is always going to take care of handling them.”

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“If a star is committed to going the conventional route and actually bearing a child and baking it to completion, there are a variety of tricks and techniques at her disposal to ensure maximum attention is paid. First, before she actually gets pregnant, she has to spend months, if not years, dropping hints about how she wants to become pregnant, all the while utilizing as much birth control as science and the human body will allow because she is currently relying on horny teen and college-age males to support her career, which means bikinis are a mainstay and stretch marks are a no.”

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“Continuing the practice of inducing maximum nipple-tweaking anticipation in the press and the public, it is important before a celebrity buys an African baby that she announces to the press her intention to buy an African baby. Optimally, this announcement should come six to nine months before purchasing. This ensures endless coverage and speculation as to the size and shape of the star’s hypothetical African baby. Smart stars will keep the topic on everyone’s minds by having “passport issues” or “custody fights” with their potential African baby’s “parents.”