“CELEBRITY AFFIRMATION #7: Every day is a special day, but today you bitches are going to sit down and look at me.”

***

“As with so many aspects of a star’s personal life, marriage is approached from the vantage point of how it can be used to keep his stardom going, or better yet, how to use it to kick his stardom up to the next level. Ambitious stardom is like life in- side a constant video game. The star is always looking to over- come whatever obstacles he has on this level solely so he can advance to the next level, knowing there will be further obstacles to come.”

***

“Imagine the royal courts of Europe around the sixteenth century, a time when the church wielded enormous power over the lives of the aristocracy and marriages were granted or annulled based on how willing several parties were to go to war. Now, replace all the princes and princesses, kings and queens with recording artists, reality stars, and actors, and all the bishops, cardinals, and popes with publicists, paparazzi, and high-ranking entertainment industry executives. Celebrity weddings, with their multiple competing agendas, loads of money on the line, massive public interest, and monumental displays of ego, are like the court of Henry VIII, except with spray tans and much tinier dresses, movie deals and recording contracts instead of wars and trade issues.”

***

“Regardless of what kind of dress she picks, if she’s a star of any stature, she’s going to get a design house to loudly loan one to her or loudly make one for her. This will be announced early on, after the contracts have been signed by everyone involved, in order to drum up maximum speculation about the dress and to subject the public to meaningless drivel from entertainment journalists. “It could be long or it could be short! Her fans can’t wait to see!”

***

“Honestly, take the most obnoxious bride and groom you’ve ever encountered—and let’s not pretend you didn’t immediately think of them just now involuntarily—multiply all their bad behavior and tacky nuptial attention seeking by a factor of several thousand, add couture, piles of money, and the press, and that’s your average celebrity wedding.”