Be Me or Do Me Bingo: Miley Cyrus and the Attention-Seeking Hospital Stay

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Darlings, now that we’re mostly recovered from last week’s whirlwind mini-tour, it’s time we got back to God’s work: using the personal lives of celebrities to hawk our book. It’s the “Be Me or Do Me” way of life. And thankfully, it’s so ridiculously easy. Since we wrote the book in such a way as to encourage the reader to look for examples in the so-called “real world” of celebrity,” they tend to leap out at you when they occur. For instance…

From Chapter 13: The Exhaustion Sweepstakes:

“There is no greater suffering for a star than when they’re suffering from lack of attention. It’s like oxygen deprivation to them. You see, A-list celebrity bodies are covered with tiny, microscopic hairs that act as antennae, moving to and fro constantly and seeking out confirmation that someone is paying attention to the person they are attached to. When attention drops to dangerously low levels, these tiny antennae immediately send a signal to the celebrity brain, which causes the celebrity to feel weak and light-headed. When attention levels in the atmosphere plummet to zero, her body shuts down and she crashes dramatically to the floor. In a public place, of course. With cameras present. If she is not in a public place where cameras are present, her celebrity survival instinct will kick in and she will propel herself through sheer force of will to a place where people will notice when she collapses to the ground. Only one part of this paragraph is made up.”

“Unless it’s a skin rash or sexually transmitted disease or something like that, celebrities love to talk about their ailments to the public. They’re like your annoying great-aunt that way, constantly going on about their aches, pains, and rare syndromes to anyone who’ll listen, until finally, they’re up on stage accepting a major award by saying, “I want to thank the academy, but I probably can’t because I’m dyslexic.” So when they’re so oddly silent about the exact reasons for their sudden withdrawal from public life, it’s not hard to become skeptical and come up with plausible explanations.

And isn’t that really what this is all about? Being evasive in order to get people guessing? Since stars apply this form of public teasing to every other area of their private and public lives, it’s to be expected that even sleeping is something a star will use to tantalize the public.”

From the ever-reliable and apparently totally gullible People magazine:

Miley Cyrus Hospitalized for Severe Allergic Reaction

Miley Cyrus is in the hospital due to a severe allergic reaction to antibiotics.

The singer canceled her Bangerz tour appearance scheduled for Tuesday at the Kansas City Sprint Center.

“Cyrus has been hospitalized for a severe allergic reaction to antibiotics and has been placed on medical rest by her doctors,” according to a statement from the Sprint Center.

Cyrus, 21, Tweeted a statement of apology Tuesday evening.

“Kansas I promise I’m as [heartbroken] as you are. I wanted so badly 2 b there 2night. Not being with yall makes me feel s––––––– than I already do,” she wrote.

Cyrus also canceled her Charlotte, N.C. tour stop just over a week ago after she was “diagnosed with the flu and doctors have ordered her to rest,” Live Nation says.

 

It was the flu! No, wait! Allergies! Oh, Miley, Just go and dry out, hon. You can’t spend most of the previous year acting like an oversexed hyperactive toddler and expect the world to think your collapse came about from some sort of natural cause, now can you? Face it, when you ride the giant hot dog, you’re gonna get sick of it eventually. Or something. There’s a lesson in there for all of us.

  • Chicago Signing and Bitter Kitten Meetup

    A very tired and rumpled T & Lo made the final stop on the 2nd leg of their book tour last night. And while the enthusiasm and fabulosity of our Chicagoland Bitter Kittens could not make us less rumpled, the tired part pretty much evaporated as soon as we saw y’all.

    But we reserve the right to not feature twitpics where we looked like crap. Instead we’re just going to feature the ones where you talk about how awesome we are. Image management, darlings. It’s the “Be Me or Do Me” way. Also: a little obnoxious. Sue us.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Things we’ve learned:

    1. Our Bitter Kittens are some of the sweetest, smartest, most fabulous people you could meet. We hope, if nothing else, that those of you who came out to see us understand that we’re just as excited to meet you as you are to meet us.

    2. There’s no real way to lean far back in a chair, with your upper body twisted to one side, and have a particularly flattering picture come out of it.

    And if you’re a kitten in the Chicagoland area who couldn’t make it out last night, the Barnes and Noble in Old Orchard Center has autographed copies of the book, ready for Kitten consumption. Call them at 847-676-2230 to getchaself a copy.

  • San Francisco Bitter Kitten Meetup and Signing

    The Frisco Kittens TURNED IT OUT!

     

     

    What an amazingly fun and energetic night. We keep saying it and we don’t even care anymore if we sound repetitive: Getting away from our desks and out in the world to meet our Kittens has been the most rewarding, most fun thing to ever happen to us.

  • Los Angeles Book Signing and Bitter Kitten Meetup

    As told through twitter:

     

     

    We love you guys.

  • T Lo STILL Won’t Shut Up

    Two fun “Be Me or Do Me”-based interviews this week, darlings. First up, a fun little sit-down with the Chicago Sun-Times’ Splash magazine, with possibly our favorite thing ever written about us:

    “If there’s one thing that can be said with certainty about Tom Fitzgerald and Lorenzo Marquez — or TLo, as they’ve been affectionately dubbed by fans — it’s that they’re unabashedly themselves.”

    We take that as high damn praise. You should go read the whole thing just to show some love, but here’s a tease:

    “The two, who’ve been a couple for 17 years and tied the knot in July, were pleasantly surprised by the fan base that followed. “I don’t think we’re writing about things that are innovative or that other people aren’t writing about,” Tom says. “Whatever success we’ve had is because we stay true to our own voices.” And while the medium has changed, the new tome is still shot through with the couple’s uncensored opinion. “It’s purely through our eyes and out of our mouths,” Tom says. “People find that entertaining, and it’s why we don’t have ghost writers and why we don’t have editors. It’s just the two of us.”

    Damn straight. Except not.

    In other news (literally), we just LOVE that we’re now go-to commentators on all things celebrity, as the New York Daily News asked us our thoughts on Gwyneth’s “conscious uncoupling” and other such silly celeb-divorce conceits:

    “With Gwyneth, I see a very masterful plan in manipulating her own image in this ‘consciously uncoupled’ period they’re going through,” Fitzgerald says. “There have been so many rumors about their marriage for years, and she’s definitely trying to minimize the stuff about them for the next couple months.”

    We were less kind about the Jenners but more kind about the Bloom-Kerr split.We have opinions on all three (of course) in the piece.

    Not that it was a life goal or anything (okay, maybe a little), but we can’t help feeling a sense of MISSION: ACCOMPLISHED when a journalist calls us up and asks for a sound bite about something other than Project Runway. It’s been a long road from fan bloggers to pop culture commentators.

    Yes, we’re preening. But if we can’t preen a little on our own book site, then when can we, darlings?

     

     

  • Los Angeles, San Francisco & Chicago Book Tour Dates & Deets

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    Barnes & Noble, Skokie

     

    Darlings, we are gearing up once again to head out into the world, poledance like crazy for our book, and meet our Bitter Kittens face to face, just to tell each and every one of y’all how fabulous you are and how much you mean to us. In fact, let’s illustrate that last point, if we can. To those who kittens who came to the Philly, NY and DC book store signings, you know how you were asked to put your name on a Post-it note in order to let us know who to make the book out to? Well, maybe you didn’t know it, but while you were humbling us by asking for our autographs…

     

     

    photo 2Kittens

     

     

    We were collecting yours.

    We’re not scrapbooking types, but we think we may have to preserve these. We get the warm n’ fuzzies every time we look at them.

    Anyway, here are the deets for each city. Kittens come out! We’ll do our little dog-and-pony show for you! Please note that for both Chicago and Los Angeles, the Barnes & Noble stores will be giving those who have B&N receipts priority in the line for signing. Don’t worry. It just means those who bought at B&N get to go first. We don’t want to sound like we’re begging, but buying a copy in the store helps everyone out, darlings. Turnout and sales for each event help determine future signings and appearances. We would love to travel all over this country to every metropolitan area, meeting kittens and telling them they’re fabulous. We won’t rest until we do. We also love to sell our book. Not gonna lie about that one.

    Once again, here are the dates and times:

     

    LOS ANGELES

    Tuesday, April 8
    7 PM
    Barnes & Noble
    189 The Grove Drive
    Los Angeles, CA 90036

     

    SAN FRANCISCO

    Wednesday, April 9
    7:30 PM
    The Booksmith
    1644 Haight Street
    San Francisco CA 94117

     

    CHICAGO

    Thursday, April 10
    7 PM
    Barnes & Noble
    55 Old Orchard Center
    Skokie, IL 60077

     

    As we said, we would love to keep this tour going and get to other cities, darlings, but until we can, we’re holding a little party of our own in our backyard. Well. Actually, someone else’s backyard. Mark your calendars for the following, Kittens on the eastern seaboard!

    BITTER KITTEN “BE ME OR DO ME” PARTY!

    NEW YORK
    Saturday, May 3
    EMc2
    240 Elizabeth St.
    New York, NY 10012

     

    Project Runway alum and T Lo bestie Emmett McCarthy will be hosting a party celebrating the book at his store in SoHo. It’s the place where we first met him, first met Tim Gunn, and got married last summer, so it’s a location of the utmost significance. If there’s a T Lo Ground Zero of importance, Emmett’s store would be it. So all y’all NY, NJ and PA kittens who couldn’t make it out to our sub-zero readings in February (and even those who did), come on out to a garden party on a warm spring day, listen to us do a reading, answer Q&As, sign copies and just generally mingle with our kittens. There’ll be sips and nibblies, too. Make a day of it! Emmett’s whole street is nothing but fabulous shops and places to eat. We’ll have more details closer to the date, including the exact starting time, but figure on an afternoon-into-evening event. If the crowd’s large enough, we’ll do multiple readings, Q&As and signings throughout the day.

  • Be Me Or Do Me Bingo: Tori Spelling and Troubled Relationships

    From Chapter 9: The Well-Orchestrated Cheating Scandal:

    “Since celebrities tend to leverage their personal lives for professional gain, it makes sense that an adultery or cheating scandal remains a perennial favorite among their kind when it comes time for a little career sweetening. It’s sort of the go-to scandal.”

    “Smart celebrities know this, and when they screw up their personal lives, they know how to turn the public’s fascination into higher payouts and possibly even awards, if not magazine covers.”

     

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    From People magazine:

    “Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have invited reality TV cameras into their home during a very difficult time in their marriage, which was recently threatened by a cheating scandal that caused the actor to enter rehab.

    Lifetime will air a new docu-series calledTrue Tori that will follow the couple as they work on their relationship, beginning when McDermott leaves treatment, the network says in a press release.

    The series will premiere just three weeks after the reality show begins filming and continue with a total of six hour-long episodes that document the family in crisis.”

    FAMILY IN CRISIS! Quick! Get the cameras!

    AttaGIRL, Tori! Let us know if you got to the part in the chapter about how the Victim is supposed to dress for maximum press exposure. We’d be happy to fill you in on the details. We doubt you’ve actually read our book, since you pretty much wrote the book on D-List attention-whoring yourself, or at least one of the chapters in it.

     

    Picture credit: The Daily Mail

  • Be Me or Do Me Bingo: Michelle Rodriguez and The Art of The Canoodle

    Two short excerpts from Chapter 6, “The Art of the Canoodle,” on when and how to confirm your canoodling:

    “The goal here is to land a grainy paparazzi-photo magazine cover before the two of them have confirmed they’re a couple, possibly on a yacht or beach or some other place where the two of them can publicly rub oil on each other.”

    ***

    CANOODLING PAP SHOT CHIC!

    * Being photographed frolicking on an exotic beach or a yacht? Play with the idea of going topless or putting your man in some form of tiny, foreign bathing suit for that international flair!”

     

    From the ever-reliable and subtle TMZ:

    “FINALLY!!! Hard undeniable proof Michelle Rodriguez and supermodel Cara Delevingne are banging each other — unbelievable video footage of Michelle making out with a topless Cara in the ocean … A TOPLESS CARA … IN THE OCEAN.

    35-year-old Michelle and 21-year-old Cara were vacationing together in Cancun last week — and Cara took things to a whole new level, leaving her bikini top on the beach … while she and Michelle canoodled in the water.”

    Our case… it is rested.

    Hope you enjoyed the other chapters in the book, Michelle!

     

  • ICYMI: T Lo Won’t Shut Up

    In all the running around last month, we forgot to post the following interviews with us chat-chat-chatting away, to our heart’s content about our favorite subject: ourselves our book. First up, our appearance on D.C.’s Fox 5 morning show:

    DC News FOX 5 DC WTTG

    And considering T Lo don’t do mornings, we think that went well – although Tom is burning that sweater as we speak. But we died of happiness the first time we saw our faces on TV with the chyron “Fabulous & Opinionated” under them. Mission: ACCOMPLISHED.

    After that, we did a really fun interview for the Minneapolis Star-Tribune for our Mall of America appearance. It’s not embeddable, so you’ll have to go there to watch it, but we think it might be our best on-camera interview yet. Then again, no one’s ever asked us about Jon Hamm’s penis before, so that kind of set the tone.

  • Be Me or Do Me Bingo: Gwyneth Paltrow and Managing the Epic Breakup

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    From Chapter 10: The Epic Breakup:

    “A celebrity breakup of any real value simply must play out in as public a manner as possible in order for anyone to benefit from it. The juiciest ones will depict the slow decline of the celebrity couple’s affections, providing the public with months if not years of scowling paparazzi pictures that make it clear this particular relationship has reached the point where the amount of time they can’t stand each other is far greater than the amount of time they tolerate each other. Enjoying each other has clearly been off the menu for a while. … But when the time comes to actually rip that Band-Aid off, you can bet the process will be significantly different from anything two non-celebrities go through when they decide the Con column is too much longer than the Pro to continue.”

    “They will do this as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, of course. These are the breakups that require press releases, which, like so many celebrity press releases, will ask that every- one reading the press release respect their privacy. The smart ones will manage the situation tightly, but the messy ones will do everything within their power to play out every private bit of the relationship and aftermath for the public, who will be grateful and titillated.

     

    From Defamer, via GOOP:

    “It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

    Love,


    Gwyneth & Chris”

    Oh, GOD. She even tried to come up with a new term for it. This is going to be an Olympics of preening self-regard, darlings. Strap yourselves in. And follow along with our book, because we’re pretty sure Gwynnie’s gonna check every item off the list. Next up, the “I’m a survivor” magazine interview.

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